Whatever Happened To Us
by ercarterfan
Summary: Set in Season 9, this is the way that I think it should have ended.
1. Default Chapter

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Whatever happened to us?

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of ER. They belong to WB and NBC. I am just borrowing them for a creative outlet. No money is going to be made off writing this.

Author's Note: This takes place in Season 9. I am writing it to take place after a boy falling Out Of The Sky. (Ep. 9-15) It will probably follow the story line up until the Season Finale or so. I haven't decided yet. So if you have seen up until then there are no big surprises. Anything that happens after Ep. 922 is how I think that things so go, after that doesn't follow the story line. (Well, Season 10's not here yet.) This is what I think should happen or not happen between Carter and Abby after the rooftop proposal. 

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Part 1: Next to me, next to you

Abby awoke to a familiar sound, Carter snoring. He was sound asleep next to her. He was her pillar of strength now. She couldn't picture her life with out him in it. They had only officially been a couple for a few months now, ever since the smallpox scare, but it was long enough that she wouldn't change anything in the world with him.

Last night was still boggling her mind. She didn't know what to make of it. Carter had taken her to dinner in the restaurant, just the two of them. They had the entire place to themselves but he hadn't said anything to her at all. The part the unnerved her most was when they had gotten home and she was making tea. She had found the ring in his pocket. She wasn't an idiot, she knew that Carter was going to ask her to marry him, but something had happened, something that had made him change his mind. He had asked her on the roof that night after Eric's plane had disappeared, but she thought that he was joking. Something had made him change his mind and she wasn't sure what that could have been. It could have been a number of things. Her drinking, she knew in her heart that had to be the majority of it. She thought back to their conversation at the dinner table. He had talked about people changing. Abby knew that people couldn't change. Maybe she was wrong. She got up and decided to go out for a walk while Carter slept. She wanted to get away for a little while, to clear her head and think. Maybe the fresh, cold air would help bring to her mind what Carter saw wrong with the way things were between them.

She headed out into the bright Chicago day. It was warmer than she thought it would be. Much warmer than it had been last night, and the wind had completely gone away. She strolled down the street walking and thinking. She loved Carter, she knew that he loved her, but yet that wasn't going to be enough for them to make it long term. How could Carter love her? She was always in the middle of some crisis and that is the way that her life would always be. Eric was bipolar and not knowing where he was right now wasn't a surprise, but her life would be on hold until he decided to come back to them, or they got that other phone call. When she looked up she was standing in front of the building where her AA group met. What would a meeting hurt? She had gotten completely sober once before. And it wasn't like her drinking was out of control. She went out a few times with her girlfriends for a night out after a hard day at the ER. There wasn't anything wrong with that, except for the fact that she was an alcoholic. She should have been able to go out with them and not drink. This was something that she needed to do, not just for her, but also for her relationship with Carter. She wanted that to work more than anything in the world, and she was willing to do just about anything to make it work. But she also knew deep inside that she had to be doing this for the right reasons, for her, not for him. She headed into the building and headed into her first AA meeting in a long time.

Carter rolled over and realized that he was in an empty bed. He got up and looked around the apartment, Abby was nowhere to be found. He climbed into the shower and got ready for his shift. He was working the noon to midnight shift at County today. It was like any other day; the only difference was that he hadn't asked Abby to marry him like he had planned. Something just didn't feel right last night. He had set it up like he imagined it should have been like, but the timing was off. There were some things that they needed to work thru together first. Some how he knew that in the end this would work out for them both. He loved her, and he couldn't deny that. She meant the world to him, yet marriage was a commitment that he didn't think she was ready to make to him. Only time would tell what was going to happen between the two of them. He was uncertain of where fate was going to take them.

Carter's jeep was still in the shop, he was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to get it fixed. It needed new brakes but this seemed to be taking forever. He climbed up the stairs to catch the EL. Another day in the ER right now was just what he needed to take his mind off what had happened last night. The distraction would be good for him. As far as he knew Abby didn't know what he was planning on, but didn't do. It wasn't his intention to hurt her, ever. 

He climbed off the EL and headed into the ER. It was already starting to fill up. Ever since the other hospital had closed, County was getting more than it's fair share of patients. It seemed that every one knew that if you didn't have health insurance and needed care, County was the place to go. County would take care of anyone. Carter threw his belongings into his locker, grabbed his stethoscope and headed out to take care of Chicago's less fortunate, or those who were less fortunate to land at County.

"Jerry what have we got today?" He asked the desk clerk.

"Today's special Dr. Carter is gastroenteritis." He said laughing.

"Oh that is just the thing I was so looking forward to." Carter said picking up a chart, "have things been this busy all morning or is it just starting to pick up."

"Don't flatter yourself Carter," Dr. Lewis said as she walked up to the desk.

"I wasn't Susan." He said looking at her, "I can't help it if I am one of Chicago's finest." 

Carter walked off down the hall with a chart in his hands. Susan followed behind him. She wanted to know how things went last night with Abby. She didn't want to wait until Abby got into the hospital later in the day to ask either. She didn't even know if Abby was working today.

"Carter, wait up." She called out to him.

"I'll talk to you later Susan." He said heading into the exam room. Carter didn't feel like dealing with Susan. She knew that he was going to ask Abby and he didn't want to explain to her why he hadn't either.

Susan wasn't sure why Carter didn't want to stop and talk to her, but she had a feeling in her stomach that it had something to do with last night and the way that things went. Had Abby told him no. Oh well she would get to the bottom of it later, right now they had a waiting room full of patients that needed to be seen.

Carter busied himself taking care of people the rest of the day. There didn't seem to be a lull in the patients all day. It was a light trauma day, and for that he was thankful. He had enough on his mind with out having to worry about fixing someone who was critically ill. The day went by much faster than he thought it would. He looked up at the clock it was 10 minutes until midnight. The day was almost over. He hadn't seen Abby all day today. He thought that she might be working tonight, but she hadn't shown up when the nurses changed shifts at 7. So it was obvious that she wasn't on tonight. He headed into the lounge after handing off what patients he had left in the ER. He was almost happy to be leaving. He thought about going back to Abby's but decided against it tonight. He would go home to his apartment, he needed some time and space to himself. 

Carter walked up the stairs to his apartment. It had been quite awhile since he had stayed there overnight. He sat down on the couch and ran his fingers thru his hair. What had happened to change his mind about marrying Abby? He knew in his heart that you couldn't make people change. He loved Abby just the way she was. It was that Abby that he had fallen in love with, not someone else. It had become accustomed to the way things were between them. It wasn't perfect, but that was the way that it was. She needed him. He had promised her that he would be there no matter what. He had even come home early from his vacation because he knew that even though she wouldn't admit it, she needed him. He had spent an entire day working in the ER when he didn't have to be there, just to be there for her. He dealt with Maggie, because he knew Abby couldn't. The talk in the car with Maggie, hadn't told him anything that he didn't already know. It was Abby's life experiences that made her who she was. Just has it been his life experiences that had made him who he was. There was no going back and undoing any of those. Why hadn't he asked her? Something had scared him at the last minute. There was a number of things that Carter could easily blame it on, but he needed to figure out in his own mind what it was that made him put that ring back in his pocket and walk away from the one woman he had a real relationship with. The one woman who didn't care that he came from a family with money. What would he say to her now if she found out that he was planning on asking her but didn't? This was getting more complicated by the minute.

He stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes. He didn't realize that he was tired. But he soon fell asleep. Once again finding himself wondering about Abby and himself 23 hours out of 24 again.

**__**


	2. Part 2: With out you, I'm not me

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Part two: Without you, I'm not me

Abby sat looking out the window. It was late and she knew that Carter was off at midnight. She glanced over at the clock. It was 3 am. She wasn't sure what to think. He didn't say anything about not coming over tonight. He was usually always over at her apartment now after work. This had to have something to do with last night. But why wouldn't he have at least called her to let her know that he wouldn't be over tonight. He had to have gone back to his apartment. 

Abby walked over to the phone and took it off the cradle. She carried it over to the window where she had been sitting. She held it in her hand, she was thinking about calling him. To find out why he had decided not to come over, to make sure that he was all right. She dialed his number into the phone and sat there not hitting send. Something was telling her inside not to call him. She was going to wait for him to make the next move. She had already taken two large steps today in changing her life to be what she wanted it to be. 

She had gone into that AA meeting and after she had done that she went and got the patch. She was going to stop smoking for good this time. The two habits of hers that Carter hated she was changing. But she was determined that she wasn't going to change for him. She was changing herself for her. She wanted this and she needed this. She hadn't been happy with what she saw in the mirror for some time now, and she was going to take the steps to change it positively. She cleared Carter's number out of the phone and called her sponsor instead. She knew that she could call her day or night any time that she needed to and there would always be an ear that was willing to listen to her no matter what she needed to say.

"Hello," a voice said groggily answering the phone.

"Alex, it's Abby." 

"Abby" the voice perked up, "is everything alright?" 

"Yeah I just needed someone to talk to." Abby said to her.

"You know that I am always here for you as long as you need me." Alex said trying to reassure Abby that she had done the right thing by calling her. "What's on your mind?"

"It's Carter." She said.

Alex knew that Abby needed someone who understood where she was coming from and to support her as much as possible. "What about him Abby?"

"He didn't come over tonight. And I don't know, something is wrong between us and I don't know how…." 

"You don't have to fix it Abby." Alex said cutting her off, "you don't have to fix it right now. You have enough that you are trying to fix per se and you don't need to worry about Carter right now." 

Earlier in the day Abby had told her all about Carter and what had been going between them. 

"I feel like I need to. I don't like the way that this feels." Abby said sounding more relaxed.

"Abby honey it's three in the morning. My advice to you is to sleep on it, see what happens tomorrow you aren't going to be able to do anything about it right now unless you call him and talk to him. Did you do that already?" Alex asked.

"No I have thought about it but I haven't done it yet. I don't know if I can." She said.

"You need to take things one step at a time, and if you're not ready for this step then you don' t have to take it yet Abby." 

"I know, thanks Alex." 

Alex could tell that Abby was more relaxed now and not as uptight as when she first called. Alex could hear in Abby's voice that she was tired, and needed sleep but this was forefront in her mind right now. "Abby why don't you go and try to get some sleep you can talk to Carter later when you think that you are ready. You're relationship can wait. Why don't you and I go and get some coffee tomorrow and we can talk then go to the AA meeting." Alex asked.

"That sounds good. I think I will go and head to bed. I am kind of tired, good night Alex, thanks." Abby said into the phone.

"Good night Abby." Alex said hanging up the phone.

Abby walked over and put the phone back in the cradle. She wasn't going to call Carter, not tonight at least. She climbed into bed and with in 5 minutes of her head hitting the pillow she was fast asleep.  
  



	3. Part three: Missing you, Missing me

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Part 3: Missing you, missing me

Today is now day four of me being on the straight and narrow. I still haven't called Carter to find out how he is doing. I am still a little worried since he didn't come over again last night after work, but I know that things will work about between us. I know they will. We love each other a lot maybe we just need a little space for a few days to figure out what we really want from each other. Even though I haven't been able to tell him that I love him, I know that he knows, otherwise why would he have stayed around as long as he has? We are two people who are completely different, yet we are so much the same. We both have our devils in the closet, but have managed to move on and continue with our lives. 

Alex had suggested that she start writing in a journal and she had taken her advice. Writing everything down seemed to make it all make so much more sense. Although she didn't know if she would ever be able to figure out her and Carter's relationship. It hadn't been easy ever, but they had seemed to come to an understanding that this is how life was for them. She wasn't going to think about it anymore. She was tired and needed to go to bed. She had to be at the hospital in the morning. Her days off had come to an end for now. Abby laid her pen down on the nightstand and turned out the light out. She was sure that she would probably bump into him tomorrow at work. She would deal with that when the time arrived.

The alarm clock went off earlier than Abby would have liked. She batted at the snooze button a couple of times, unable to find it; she stretched and got up out of bed. She slipped on her slippers and padded into the bathroom. She started the shower and let the warm water run down her body slowing waking up every inch of herself. She got out of the shower and finished getting ready to leave for work. She caught the EL. The train ride was quiet and uneventful. She hoped off at the stop right across the street from the ER and walked down into the hospital. The sun was shinning and the weather was beautiful she almost hated to be stuck inside on a day like this. There weren't many people there yet and that made her feel better. She didn't want to start her morning off by going into a hospital packed full of people

"Good morning Abby." Jerry said as he saw her heading into the ER.

"Morning Jerry." Abby said, "Dr. Carter here yet?" 

"I haven't seen him yet but he's on the board." Jerry said, "he might be in one of the exam rooms, do you want me to tell him that you are looking for him if I see him."

"No that's okay Jerry, I am sure that I will bump into him. It's not like he could have gone very far. It's not a big hospital."

Jerry nodded and Abby headed into the lounge. She threw her stuff into the locker. She didn't know if she wanted to see Carter or not. She knew that she couldn't avoid him all day. She was going to meet Alex for coffee before going to the AA meeting. She had been doing so well. She hadn't had a cigarette in four days now and she hadn't had a drink in just as long. Things were starting to look up and she really did like the way that her life was going now. This was the dawning of a new period in her life. If Carter was going to be there with her, then so be it, if not then that was the way it was going to be. She wasn't going to stress either way.

She headed out and started into what patients were there for the morning. She was sure that it was going to be a long day. She grabbed a chart to start an IV, when she came around the corner she bumped into Carter. She hadn't expected to run into him so soon during the day. Their eyes met and they exchanged quick glances. She didn't know what to say to him, or if she should say anything to him at all. 

"Good morning Abby." Carter said breaking the silence that was unnerving between to the two of them.

"Hi Carter," Abby said, she didn't want to stay right there. There was a knot in her stomach and it was making her feel as if she wanted to bolt down the hallway. She wasn't looking forward to the conversation that they were going to need to have. She knew that when they starting talking he would know that she knew and it, and it was something that she wanted to wait and do when they were along. Preferably after she had gone and had her AA meeting. Hell Carter didn't even know that she had started going to them again, and she was sure that he didn't know that she had stopped smoking too. He hadn't talked to her in five days; there was a lot that he didn't know about her now. She wasn't sure why he hadn't bothered to call her. She was sure that he knew how to dial a phone. 

Abby headed into an exam room, and Carter didn't bother to follow her, that was a relief to Abby. She was happy that right now they weren't going to have to have that talk after all. But she was sure that he would corner her later in the day if she let him. And Abby had no intention of that happening. Right now why he didn't ask her to marry him was the least of her concerns. She had patients to take care of, and the needed to be her top priority, not John Carter and his disappearing proposal.

"Abby," Susan said bumping into her.

"What Dr. Lewis." Abby said.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing?" She asked.

"I am fine." Abby said. 

Susan was trying to get a good look at her hand to see if the ring was there. "Nothing new and exciting happen?" 

"Nope, just enjoyed two days to myself with nothing to do." She said.

Susan looked a little disappointed that Abby didn't have any new for her as she walked away. Carter must have told Susan that he was going to ask her, and now Susan was digging around trying to be subtle in finding out. 

Abby ran around the hospital doing various odd jobs during the day she managed to keep busy and away from Carter for the majority of the day. It was nearing the end of her shift when Carter managed to catch her at the admit desk.

"Do you want to do something tonight?" Carter asked her, "I thought that maybe we could do dinner and a movie tonight."

"Sorry Carter, I am meeting with my sponsor and then I have an AA meeting that I need to go to." She said. 

Carter just looked at her. He wasn't sure what to say to her now. Meeting with her sponsor, and going to AA meetings again. That wasn't like her at all. The last time he saw her she had no interest in going to either of those things. He wanted to know what brought on the sudden change in her. 

Abby headed to the lounge to pick up her things and head off to meet her sponsor. She didn't want to be late meeting up with Alex. She was doing so well and she didn't want to screw things up now. She picked up her things and headed outside. It had rained during the day and the streets were glistening from the water, and there was a mist in the air. Carter came up behind her.

"Why all the changes all of a sudden?" He asked.

"Because I woke up Carter and wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror." She said to him as she kept walking.

"Wait Abby." He said,

"What Carter I am going to be late meeting my sponsor." She said to him impatiently.

"She can wait a minute, you won't be that late. Abby, you're not doing this because of me are you."

"No Carter, as much as you would like to think so, the world doesn't revolve around you." She said.

"You know don't you?" He asked.

"Yes Carter, I know." She said, "but this has nothing to do with you."

"I wish I knew why I didn't but I don't have an answer to that." He said looking at her.

"I have the only answer I need Carter. You don't have to explain anything to me." She said 

"Well then let me in, cause I don't. I don't know why I didn't ask you. Something just didn't seem right at the time. But enlighten me Abby tell me why I didn't do it." He said.

Abby started to walk off.

"Don't walk away from me Abby." Carter said grabbing her arm. "Stop shutting me out when things get tough."

"Carter don't. I am not going to get into this with you right now. I am not shutting you out. I'm not the one who didn't call for five days. This is the first time in almost a week that you have said anything to me. What do you want from me?" She said looking at him, "I have given you everything that I can right now. I have nothing more to give to you. I am not going to prove myself to you or to anyone else."

"I want you to be you. I want you to stop being so down on everything. You are always so negative Abby. It drives me insane that you never have seen anything in a positive light. It's almost like you can't. Everything with you is so damn depressing. Abby I love you, but things just seemed to start going to fast. You don't have to prove anything to me." He said starting to yell at her.

"Walk away Carter. Just walk away and don't ever look back. That would be the best thing for you. I am whom I am and nothing is going to change that except me. I am doing what I can, but people don't change overnight, and they don't change unless they want to. Everything that has happened in the past two months has been a wake up call for me. I am doing this because I need to. Not because you want me to. I am an alcoholic that's a fact of life Carter right now, so you can either except it and take me as I am right now or don't." She said as she walked away. She was going to deal with Carter right now. She had more pressing things to take care of. She could tell that he was angry and needed time to cool off.  
  



	4. Part 4: I cry at night and 5: I can be y...

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Part Four: I Cry At Night

Carter turned and walked away from her, he was frustrated but didn't want to take it out on her. He had almost been on the edge of hitting her. He couldn't do that ever. She was just being herself and that is what he said that he wanted from her, but damn it was all so confusing. This wasn't supposed to be this complicated. It wasn't supposed to be so hard to love someone. He had to work so hard with his relationship, some days he wondered why he fought so hard to stay with Abby. But the answer was always the same, because he loved her. He couldn't deny that.

He didn't want to be demanding of her, yet there was a little voice in his head telling him that he needed more from her. The street needed to go both ways not just one. He knew why she was doing this even if she wasn't going to admit it to him yet. Finding out that he was going to propose but changed his mind thru her into frenzy. Or so he thought to himself. He walked back to the jeep and sat there for a minute. Carter pounded on the steering wheel in frustration. Did he want to go after her; could he let her walk away from him this angry. Did he want to stay this angry with her, or just take here in his arms and try to find a way to make this all go away? He didn't want her mad over this any more than he wanted to be upset about it. But he did need things to change, and maybe the only way that they would change is if he did. Maybe things would look up in the morning. 

Carter climbed into bed. He wasn't happy with the way that he had left things with Abby. He didn't like fighting with her and he wasn't happy with all the time that they had spent apart over the last week. He silently admitted to himself that he loved her. He knew he did. Things just weren't the way that they were supposed to be. He needed to figure out how he could fix that. Now if it was just something that he could fix. Nothing was right in his life right now and he had a feeling that it never would be.

He reached over as if to grab the phone. When suddenly he stopped. It didn't feel right to call her this late at night. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. When he left her, he had told himself that things would look better in the morning. Things always looked different in the light of day. Maybe when he saw Abby at the hospital things would look different and they could start anew once again. Carter laid his head down on the pillow and cried himself to sleep.

Abby had coffee with Alex that night like she had planned. Talking with Alex helped her to see more of the big picture of things. Alex had pointed out to her, how she was always dropping things to go running to her family whenever they needed her, and covering up the bad and trying parts of her life with nicotine and alcohol. No matter how hard she wanted to just be one of the girls it just wasn't going to happen. And it would take time for her to adjust to being the one who had the role of designated driver not one of the drinkers in the group. She might have felt that she had it under control but most of the time she was just telling herself that so she wouldn't feel guilty about going out to the bar the night before. This was just another face of the illness that she was letting prevent her from fully walking away. This time however, she was determined that she was going beat the alcohol. 

Abby sat on her windowsill looking out over the city. The night had changed since she had left Carter angry. The clouds had cleared and there was a soft breeze now blowing. Not quite what you would expect for February in Chicago. There were stars in the sky but most of them were faint from the city lights. She wished upon the first one that she saw. And hoped that someday her wish would come true, for she wouldn't share it with anyone.

She just couldn't understand herself, and why she couldn't talk to Carter like she talked to Alex. She was so open and flowing with her feelings, not defensive like she was with him. He was her boyfriend, yet she never let him in on anything that was happening to her. She knew that this needed to change. She was back to the same dilemma, how she could change the way that she interacted with Carter.

Abby climbed into bed. Tomorrow would be another day and then she could figure out how to work on fixing things. Make things right with Carter once again. She didn't like the way that things had been left between the two of them.

  
**_Part 5: I can be your Hero_**

Carter awoke to the sound of a blaring alarm clock. He rolled over and hit the snooze button. It was to early for this and he didn't feel like going to work this morning. He lay in bed for another ten minutes before the alarm buzzed again with it's ominous warning that he was going to be late if he laid there much longer. He walked out and got into the shower. This wasn't how he wanted to start his morning. He looked in the mirror and saw that his eyes were all red and puffy from crying himself to sleep last night. He was miserable with out Abby. He wondered if she was as miserable as he was with out him there. She didn't seem to be to unhappy when he saw her last. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe this was the end for them. More damage had been done to their relationship than what he thought that they could fix. This just wasn't the way that things were supposed to work out. It was supposed to be happy ever after for the two of them not splits Ville. He couldn't get her off his mind no matter what he did. She was there every minute of every day. Yet he couldn't swallow his pride long enough to say that something was wrong and that maybe he was sorry and that they could work on what was wrong with their relationship. He turned on the radio the song that was playing brought tears to his eyes. 

"Would you dance, if I asked you to dance, would you run and never look back, would you cry, if you saw me crying, would you save my soul tonight. Would you tremble if I touched your lips, would you laugh please tell me yes." He knew that he needed to apologize to Abby. He needed to find her and set things right, he was wrong and he didn't want to go another day with out her in his life. She was the world to him. He couldn't deny that any longer. He might not have been ready to pop the question, but he was ready and willing to have her wake up beside him every day of the year. He put his clothes on and headed to the ER. He had to work, but he was going to make sure that they had sometime together later. There was nothing more that he wanted right now than to have her in his arms. 

Abby walked thru the doors of the ER. She wasn't happy to be at work today. It just seemed like not that long ago she had left and had the fight with Carter. She wanted to be at home under the cover with them pulled up tight up around her head. Not facing the world today would suit her just fine. She punched in on the time clock to start her 8-hour shift. That was the only good thing about not being a doctor. She didn't have to work the long hours. Where they had to stay for at least 12 hours on a good day she could punch out the clock at the same time every day no matter what.

She put her things in her locker and started taking care of patients. She knew that Carter had already been there for a couple of hours. He was scheduled off at four, the same time that she would be getting out there if she had any luck. She still needed to do the nurses schedule for the next month, but she could do that sitting on her couch at home with her feet propped up. She went around helping patients and following doctor's orders all morning long. She was beginning to wish that the day would end soon. It was dragging on more than she wanted it to. Everyone needed something, and they needed it twenty minutes ago. Or so it seemed.

Abby went into the lounge grabbed a cup of coffee and flopped down on the couch. It was nearly time for her to be off. The day had gone by faster than what she thought it had. Carter came into the lounge. He had been watching for Abby to take a break for more than an hour now. He hadn't gotten a chance all morning to talk to her. That's all that had been on his mind. They had a lot of time to make up for that they had missed. He wasn't going to spend another hour with out her.

"Abby, I'm sorry." He said to her, "I've been thinking and all this time that we've been apart, I've been miserable. I don't want it to end this way."

"John, I don't want it to end either. So what are we going to do?" She asked him.

"Start over." He said. "That's where we go from here, we start over. I love you for who you are and I am not going to try to change you Abby." 

"That's good to hear John," She said to him. "I can't change for you, but I can change for me." 

"I know that. Let's go home." He said to her, he wanted to get her out of here, take her home and just lay there with her next to him for as long as they could.


	5. Part 6: Hanging by a moment

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Part 6: Hanging by a Moment

The weeks flew by with no word from Eric. Carter and Abby were back to themselves. Carter had been staying at the apartment more now than ever. Gamma called him that morning to see if they could have breakfast together. He was on his way to work and had to decline. She seemed more disappointed that he couldn't do it more than she normally was. He told her that he would come over when he got off work. He was sorry that he couldn't do breakfast with her, but that he would see her as soon as he could.

He threw himself into his work. They were busy and short handed. Romano had been assigned to the ER as chief of emergency medicine and it was driving everyone nuts. Everyone was short with one another and it seemed like nothing was going right today.

John was in the middle of a trauma when Kerry came in, "John you have a phone call." She said to him.

"Take a message Kerry, I'm in the middle of a trauma." He said to her.

"No you need to take this." She said looking at him, "it's about your grandmother."

Carter momentarily stopped what he was doing at looked at Kerry, "is she dead?" 

"I'm sorry Carter." She said to him.

Carter finished with his patient. He was not going to walk out in the middle of a trauma. He snapped off his gloves and walked to find a phone. He called the house and was told what had happened. Millicent had laid down for a nap and didn't wake up from it. Carter was devastated. He had loved his gamma dearly, she was the closest thing to a mother that he had ever had. Not the Elanore wasn't his mother, but she and his father were gone so much that gamma had filled in for them, providing John and Barbara a stable home environment. He walked out to find Abby. He was going to leave the hospital. He needed to do other things right now. And he didn't want to be around any more death and dying. He couldn't handle anymore.

"Abby," Carter called to her.

"I was looking for you John," She said looking up, "I'm catching the next flight up to Minnesota, Eric called I'm going to go and get him."

"Abby do you have to go now, send Maggie to get him."

"John he called me he's off his med's, if I don't go he might disappear again." She said to him.

"My grandmother just died, do you care?"

"I'll be back later tonight." She said taking off.

"Abby do you give a damn about me?" He asked not waiting for an answer as he stormed off. He couldn't believe that she would be so cold towards him after all they had been thru. He thought a minute to himself oh wait that's just Abby. She cared more for her family than she did for him. That was nothing new. He had been hanging on a moment with Abby for almost a year now. There would be no more hanging on. He couldn't do it anymore.

Abby caught her plane. She felt awful about leaving Carter, but there was nothing else that she could do. Eric was off his meds and in a café in the middle of nowhere. He needed her. She would be back with Carter before he knew that she had been gone. She could make this trip in a day. She'd be back later tonight with Eric in tow. She would get him back on his meds, get him in a treatment program and everything would be fine.

Carter sat by his grandmother and cried. He had never felt so alone in his life. His world had just come crashing to an end. The only person who had ever cared, the one woman who had taken care of him his entire life had just died. She would never be there for him again. He was going to have to make it thru the world alone now. His parents, god only knew where they were. He was sure that someone had managed to track them down. Corinne had probably tracked him down by now. 

Abby never called John that night. She couldn't get her flight out. There was no way that she was going to be able to be back into Chicago until tomorrow. She knew that he had enough going on with out her calling and saying that she was stuck. She glanced over Eric was sleeping on the bed next to her. She closed her eyes. There had to be a silver lining here somewhere. She just wasn't sure what it was. She wasn't sure if John was going to be able to forgive her for this. She hated that she had run out of town when he needed her most, but Eric was her brother. He would be there no matter what, and boyfriends came and went.

Abby closed her eyes and went to sleep. She wasn't sure what the morning would bring for her. Nothing was the same anymore. She was happy that Eric had called her. But she didn't know how she was going to handle things when they got back to Chicago.

Carter was upset that Abby hadn't come back into town when she said that she would. He needed her. There was no one here to support him. His father was upset with him because his grandmother had left him everything. Not that he wanted it; he was never comfortable with all that money. And here now even from the grave she had managed to find a way to control his life. There had to be someway that he could get out of some of these responsibilities, but someone else in charge of it, cause he wasn't ready to leave his job at County yet. 

He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't know how he was going to handle Abby when she came back. He was toying with the idea of going to Africa now even more than before. It would give him a chance to get away from all of this for a while and not have to deal with it. He knew that she wouldn't want him to go. She had made that perfectly clear when Luka had first brought up the suggestion in the Trauma room that day. Maybe he would go. But then maybe he wouldn't. His cell phone ran.

"Carter," He said answering it.

"It's Abby, I'm back in town." She said.

"And Eric?"

"He's here too, thank you John." She said, "I have him in a treatment facility while I am at work." Abby told him. "I think that he's really ready for treatment." 

"I hope so Abby." John said. He wasn't sure how to react to her anymore. How to take the news that she was sharing with him. Her brother was safe and sound, but could he say the same for himself. He was burring his gamma today. With out Abby there, he hadn't asked her to come, cause he figured that there would be something that she would need to do. "Look I have to go."

"Why Carter, what's up?" she asked, "Is there anything I can do for you."

"There isn't anything that you can do." He said. He wanted to tell her that he needed her to hold him tight and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wasn't sure why he was being so stubborn. Maybe it was because he was suffering from a broken heart. But he was going to be too stubborn to tell her that. Nothing between them was right anymore.   
  



	6. 7: Desperately wanting, 8: I hope you ha...

**__**

PART 7: Desperately Wanting

Days went by before Carter saw Abby again. He had given up on calling her. He went thru the motions but that's all that there was. Yet there was nothing more to it than that. He couldn't see going on with her. He had tried to salvage the relationship once and look where it got him. Right back to square one.

"Luka." Carter said cornering him in the hall.

"What is it?" Luka asked him.

"Is it to late for me to go with you?" Carter asked.

"No we are short handed doctors, I'm sure that they could use you. They need all the help that they can get right now." Luka said, "I you sure that you want to go there right now?" 

Luka knew that Carter had been thru a lot right now. 

"Yeah I want to go." he said, "I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I can't see any reason not to go now." 

"If you think you are up to it." Luka said, "just make sure that you are cause you might not like what you see, this isn't going to be an easy trip.' 

"I know." He said.

Carter hadn't seen Abby standing just down the hallway.

"There's a chance that we might not come back. There's a lot of heavy fighting there."

"Luka, stop trying to change my mind, you're not going to be able to do it." Carter said.

Abby stood there in shock. He was going to go. After all this time that he said he wouldn't go, now here he was pretty much shutting the door. Two could play this game. Abby went down the hallway to make a phone call. 

"Abby who are you talking to?" Luka asked her.

"Making a decision that should have been made awhile ago." She said to him, "when do you leave for the Congo?"

"Tomorrow morning." He said to her, "Why?" 

"Just curious to see if we wouldn't be on the same flight." She said.

"You're going to Africa?" Luka was a little surprised. He hadn't expected that response from her.

"Yes I am. What do you think that they only let doctor's help out? You know someone has to be there to help out the doctors and that's where RN's come in handy." She said.

"Abby do you know what you are getting yourself into. This isn't a walk in the park."

"Luka if you and Carter can go then there's no reason why I can't go to." She said.

"This is a war zone Abby. People will be dying left and right. Everything there is primitive. There's nothing what like you have here other than patients." He said to her, "I wish you wouldn't."

"You wish she wouldn't what Luka." Carter said walking up behind them.

"Nothing Carter." Abby said.

"She signed up to go with us Carter. Abby has decided that she wants to travel to Africa to help out." Luka said to him.

"God Abby why did you have to do that. You don't need to be there." He said to her. "That is the last place that you need to be, you could get hurt." 

"If the two of you can go then there isn't any reason then that I can't go either." She said. 

"I don't want you to go." He said to her, "you don't need to be there."

"Why, because I could get hurt." She said, "Because something could happen to me?"

"Yes of course," Carter said to her. He couldn't' bear the thought of something happening to her, because she had decided to chase him to Africa.

"Did you stop and think that is why I didn't want you to go." She said. "Do you think that I would want you going somewhere where something could happen to you."

"Nothing is going to happen to me. Please Abby reconsider."

"No I won't." She said, "you go, then I go."

That had settled it Abby was going with them. As much as Carter didn't want her to go, there was little that he could do about it now. 

**__**

Part 8: I hope you had the time of your life.

Abby boarded the plane. Carter had been gone for over a week now. She wasn't able to leave when Luka and Carter did, so she would be joining them. She was nervous, but now she knew that if anything was going to happen she would be there. She didn't want to be so far away from him right now. Things weren't good between them. She wasn't sure if this would bring them any closer together or if it would push them further away. The flight was long, and it was late when she finally got there. She stepped out of the truck. What she saw shocked her. She didn't know what to expect, but she didn't expect this. The hospital was no more than a shack of a building. 

"Bon Jour Ms. Lockhart," she heard someone talking to her.

"Yes, and you are?" Abby asked.

"I'm Gillian." She said to her, "I help get the nurses oriented her."

"That's nice." Abby said, "by the way please call me Abby everyone else does."

"Glad to have you here Abby. Let me show you around." She said. 

"Are Dr. Carter and Kovach here?" Abby asked.

"Who?" Gillian asked?

"Luka and John?" She said.

"Oh," She said smiling, "Luka, no they are not here."

"Where are they?" Abby asked.

"They took a group out to do immunizations. We can't refrigerate them here very well, so when they come in we have to take them out right away. Carter went on a team and he was going to meet up with Luka." She said.

"When will they be back?" She asked.

"They should have been back two days ago." She said, "but don't worry that happens a lot around here. I am sure that they are just are fine."

Gillian took Abby around and got her acquainted with the way that things were going to work. Abby started to settle into the way it was. She just hoped that nothing had happened to either of them. The next two days Abby did nothing but help people. She worked in the triage area-helping sort out everything that came thru the doors. Every night she went to bed tired. But she was hopeful that Carter and Luka would be back soon, safe and sound.

She was standing outside in the dark smoking, when Gillian walked up to her. 

"Are you doing okay?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm doing okay." She said, "I'm just worried about them that's all."

"I'm worried about them too but Luka can take care of himself." She said. 

A truck came screaming up to where they were standing, "Come on" Gillian said to Abby "It's an emergency vehicle."

Abby watched as Gillian threw open the back door.

"We came under fire. I've got three that have been shot." He said. 

She watched as he climbed out. Her heart skipped a beat, until she saw Carter behind him. Abby signed in relief. She took the first one that they pulled out of the truck. She knew that Carter wouldn't be far behind him. At least they were both safe.

She helped to stabilize the patient. Then she turned to look at Carter. He was having trouble getting his patient to level out to wait for surgery. "Abby," Gillian said, "here bag." Abby took the ambi bag from Gillian and started bagging Carter's patient. The lights flickered and then went out. Abby listened as people ran around trying to get the generator going so that they could take care of the critical patients. She never missed a squeeze of the bag.

The managed to keep him alive long enough for the surgeon to finish with the other patients and get to there's. They were almost done when the generator ran out of fuel. "I've lost a pulse." Abby said to them. "He's not breathing." 

Carter went into high gear. He almost seemed hell bent on saving this patient. Abby watched as he tried everything that he knew before the surgeon told him to stop. He looked at Gillian.

"Tell them that I am sorry." He said to her.

"They know already." Gillian said.

Abby watched Carter snap his gloves off and walk out of the room. She tried not to worry about him. There wasn't anything that anyone could have done. She walked back to her room; she was tired and needed some sleep. She was about to lie down when Gillian walked in. 

"The guys are still up if you want to come and talk." She said as she noticed that Abby was getting ready to go to bed. "We're going to have something to drink, come and join us."

"I can't." Abby said. 

"Sure you can." Gillian said. "Come on."

"Okay." Abby said following her into the other room. 

She was shocked to see Luka sitting there smoking a cigarette and Carter with one to his lips as well, but what shocked her even more was that Carter had a drink in front of him. She had never seen him drink before. He hadn't drank since he had gotten back from rehab. She wasn't going to say anything. He had probably only done it because he had a rough day.

Abby sat down at the table across from Luka. He handed her a smoke. 

"You want this," He asked.

"Yeah," She said.

"It's okay," Carter said to her as he took a long drag off of the one that he had.

"I wasn't asking you for permission Carter." She said.

"That's not what I meant." He said as he watched Gillian put the mostly rum with a splash in front of her. "That's what I mean, I don't care."

He puzzled her. He was acting weird. She just assumed that it was because of everything that they had seen. This wasn't what she expected, but then she didn't know what to expect when she had left Chicago.

"I'm going to bed," Gillian said, "and I hope that someone will be joining me."

"Good night Gillian." Carter said to her, "it won't be me."

"Good night Carter, Abby." Luka said following her into the bedroom.

Abby sat there quietly. She didn't know what to say. It's not like they were on the best speaking terms right now. But the silence was almost nerve wracking between them.

"You don't have to sit here with me." Carter said.

"I haven't seen you in over a week," She said, "but I won't stay here if I'm not wanted." 

Abby rose from the table. She wished that she could find a way to fix this. But she didn't know if there was anything that could fix it.

"I didn't mean it like that." He said.

"How did you mean it Carter? I know that this isn't the ideal place, and things are what we are used to, little alone what we thought that we would be seeing." She said to him, "but it doesn't matter anymore does it. I wasn't there when you needed me and now you don't want me around at all." 

'That's not totally true Abby." John said to her.

"Tell me what parts not true."

"I do want you around." He said playing with his drink.

"You have an odd way of showing that Carter." She said to him, "I'm going to go to bed. It's been a long day and I'm sure that there's lots that will need to be done." 

Abby started to walk away from the table when John grabbed her arm. And kissed her passionately. 

"I still love you." He said pulling her closer to him. "I was just hurt and I didn't know how to deal with all the pain Abby. I've missed you." 

"I've missed you too." She said, "goodnight."

Abby walked away from Carter and left him standing there beside the table. She wasn't sure why she didn't stay there in his arms where she felt safe, but something told her to walk away from him and give it more time. Not to rush things. He'd come back to her when he was fully ready.  
  



	7. 9: The remedy

**__**

Part 9: The Remedy

"Come on Abby." Carter said waking her up.

"Huh, what," she said sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"We need to take out another round of immunizations that came in." Carter said to her.

"What time is it?" Abby asked.

"It's a little after 6 am." Carter said to her, "they came in last night and we need to take them out today."

"Okay." She said.

"Come on I need a nurse to come with me." He said.

"Carter I am coming I said." She pulled herself out of bed.

"We are leaving in 15 minutes. Make sure you are outside. And just pack a light bag we might be gone for a couple of days." John said to her.

Abby got up and packed a change of clothes. She had only put in there what she would think she needed, but she also threw in an extra tourniquet and three epi pens. She didn't want to get stuck somewhere with out at least that if there was an emergency.

Abby watched the countryside and they drove to where they would be doing the clinic. She glanced over at John. He was looking out the window. She was across from Gillian. She came along to help Luka at the small Clinic that was there. They pulled up. Luka came walking up there was already a line of people there. She was amazed with the number of people that they would be able to save with just a simple vaccine. But she remembered here, that this wasn't just a simple thing. 

Abby helped with the vaccinations when they were done, she saw Luka sitting by a tree. She walked over and sat down next to him. "Long day?" She asked.

"Not really." 

"Is the fighting close," Abby saw the smoke rising from the other side of the river.

"Yeah," Luka said, "it's just a couple of miles away if that." 

"You did a lot of good today." She said to him.

"Yeah back at county when do you get the chance to do this, are you glad you came?"

"Yeah Luka I am." She said smiling at him.

"Even though Carter won't admit to anyone. I think he's glad that you came as well." 

"Luka that you might be wrong on." She said to him. "I don't think he wants me here." 

"Don't sell Carter short Abby." Luka said as he looked back over the river.

Abby sat there in silence for a few minutes when Carter walked over to them. 

"Hey there." Carter said.

"Hey yourself." Abby said.

"Is this crate taken?" 

"It is now." Abby said to him as she moved her feet.

"Thanks," He said. "Looks like the fighting is moving this way."

Luka was still staring across the river. "Yeah it is. But I think we'll be okay they usually don't come this way."

"Will we be safe?" Abby asked, her voice cracking a little.

"Yeah we will." Carter said putting his arm around her. "I wouldn't let anything happen to you." 

"I'm going to go." Luka said getting up and leaving Carter and Abby sitting there.

"I know you wouldn't." She said, 'but you can't prevent everything Carter."

They sat there in silence for a while. And watched the sun go down.

Later that night Abby was lying in bed when she heard music playing. She got up and walked out. She was surprised to see Luka and Gillian dancing on the porch of the clinic. She stood there watching when she felt someone's arms go around her back.

"Hi there." She said to him.

"Hi," Carter replied back.

"Luka looks so happy with Gillian." Abby said, "I haven't seen him that happy in a long time."

"Yeah he sure does," Carter said. There was an explosion in the background. It stunned the two of them. Abby saw Luka hit the ground and cover Gillian's head with his arm. 

"Carter, get her down."

Abby stood there she had never seen this before. She was so scared so couldn't move. The fighting had gotten so close. In was right on top of them. She felt Carter grab her arm.

"Get down Abby." He said tugging her to the ground. She saw the fear in his eyes as he covered her body with his. 

A woman came running up to them with a screaming child that had been hit by the fighting. Abby pushed Carter off of her and ran over to the woman, she grabbed the child from the woman and ran into the clinic as fast as she could. She laid the child down on the table. Luka and Carter were right by her side. Abby had an IV started before either of them could say anything to her. She didn't want this child to die. She worked faster than she had ever worked in her life. She helped Carter the best that she could. 

"The fighting is getting to close Luka we need to get out of here now." Gillian said.

"We can't move her yet." Luka said. 

"We have to go Luka, now." She said, Abby could tell from Gillian's voice that she was getting nervous with how close the fighting was. 

"In a minute, I can't move her yet." He said.

Abby watched as they amputated the young girls leg. Then Luka scooped her up as the headed out they all moved thru the jungle heading to the old mission where they would be away from the fighting. They sat down huddled against the trees. The shelling had started to die down. Carter hugged Abby tightly to him. He was glad that she was okay. She had scared him standing up in the middle of all the firing. 

"Thank god you are okay." He said to her.

"I'm with you." Was all she could say Abby had never been that scared in her life? She had never been near an actual war and that had come to close for comfort. She noticed that Gillian was in Luka's arms. It must have scared him as much as it much as it did Carter to have them there.

When the shelling had stopped they all headed back to where the clinic was. Everything was a wreck. Things had been strewn everywhere and bodies lay scattered across the ground. In places the ground was blood stained bright red. It broke Abby's heart to see that man could do this to each other.

"Carter I need your help. This one is still alive." Luka called out. 

Carter went over to help Luka. The man had been shot. They took him inside and did what they could to fix him up. 

They spent three more days at the clinic before they received word that the roads were open to head back to the main hospital. 

They had just gotten the last of the patients loaded up to take back, when a group of guerilla soldiers pulled up. To the clinic. Carter pulled his ID out of his shirt so that they could see it. Abby followed his lead. They started to poke around. It made Abby scared to have these men standing so close to them with their guns drawn. She stood as close to Carter as she could. Luka was talking to them. He was the only one of them who knew any French.

They were all forced down onto their knees at gunpoint. Abby was extremely scared. She didn't know what they were going to do. She felt the gun to the back of her head. She closed her eyes and fought to keep it together. She could hear the men talking and the voices escalating. She knew that they had found the soldier that Carter and Luka had patched up. They didn't seem happy about it. It had made all of them more agitated. Abby opened her eyes and saw Carter next to her. She could see the fear in his eyes. The more then men talked the more scared she got.

They were standing next to Carter talking. Abby was scared she saw them point the gun right at Carter's temple. She was praying as hard as she could. Please dear god; please don't let them kill him. Abby watched as the men moved away from Carter. One of them was standing in front of her, another in front of Luka. She couldn't see him the sun was in her eyes. She couldn't see Carter either. She was about to lose it. Here was a man with gun standing in front of her. She felt the cold steel of the handgun pressed against her temple. She said a quick prayer hoping that if they pulled the trigger she would feel no pain.

The guerilla took a few steps back away from her. She could hear him yelling now. They were once again extremely upset. She wished that she had taken that French class after all. Luka was still trying to reason with them. Abby heard the gun go off. And she felt someone fall on top of her pushing her to the ground. She heard more talking and then she could hear the men driving off. She opened her eyes a little. She still couldn't see anything. Whoever had fallen on top of her wasn't getting up. She didn't know if it was safe to get up yet. She turned her head to see that Gillian was getting up off the ground. Abby moved to role over. She couldn't see Carter anywhere. Blood covered her hands. It was running down her arm. She realized that it was coming from the person who was on top of her. 

"Oh God." She heard Gillian. 

Abby saw her moving towards her. 

"Luka help." Gillian screamed.

She felt them pulling the person on top of her off. Abby was covered in blood. She looked to see who had fallen on her. Abby let out a blood-curdling scream. Carter had jumped between Abby and the gunman. It was his blood that was all over her.

  
  



	8. 10: resusitation and epilogue: Out of Af...

**__**

Part Ten: Resutation

Abby tried to pull herself together enough to grab her bag. She had put the epi in there. She always carried epi. She looked at Luka and Gillian who were trying desperately to save his life. Carter had been shot in the arm and the chest. He was bleeding badly. They needed to stop his blood loss before it was too late and Carter bled to death. Abby was next to them now. She was terrified.

"Don't you leave me John Carter?" She yelled at him, "you can't leave Carter, I need you, I love you. Do you hear me Carter. I love you! Damn it Carter don't die!" 

Luka took the bag from her. What she had would help. Now if he could just get the bleeding to stop. The amount of blood that Carter had lost worried Luka. He couldn't get him to a trauma center fast enough to save him. Anything that was going to be done to save Carter's life had to be done here and now. At least Luka had both Gillian and Abby to help him. Luka scooped Carter's lifeless body up and headed inside the clinic. There was a trail of bright red blood from where Carter had been shot to the clinic where Luka had laid him down. Abby followed Luka into the small clinic where he began to work on Carter. She was soaked in Carter's blood from where he had fallen on her. She couldn't believe that there was so much. 

"Abby are you hurt." Gillian said to her.

"No, I'm not, it's his." Abby said to her looking at Carter. "We have to save him Gillian, you can't let Carter die on me." She said to her. 

Abby looked at Luka, the pain in her eyes, she needed him to save him. She had waited so long for him, for them to be together. The thought of him never being there for her again scared her. She needed him more than she ever knew. And here she was faced with the possibility of losing him forever. That was something that she couldn't handle. There was still so much that had been left unsaid between them. She knew that if Carter hadn't jumped on top of her, she would be the one lying there.

Luka could see the pain. He knew that she needed Carter. He didn't know what he would have done if that had been Gillian that they were going to shoot. Carter didn't think twice about jumping in front of Abby to save her life. They were meant to be together. And he was going to make sure that it happened. He was not going to take his best friend home in a body bag. 

"Carter, please baby please." Abby said, "fight. Stay here with me. Don't let go."

The bullet had severed an artery in John arm. Every time his heart beat the blood flowed from the wound. Abby tied a tourniquet about where it had gone into his arm to slow the blood loss until Luka would be able to suture it to stop the bleeding. Luka looked all over to find where the rest of the blood was coming from. It was everywhere. There was an entrance wound on the left side of Carter chest. It went in at the 6th intercostals space. There was no exit wound. Luka could not find where the bullet had left Carter's body.

Luka fought with everything that he could. He wanted, he needed, to keep his friend alive, to keep him here with them. 

Abby watched as if it was all in slow motion. This couldn't be happening. No not here. Carter couldn't die not now. Abby took his hand in hers. 

"I'm here, I'm not leaving with out you Carter." She said, "Please don't leave me."

Abby watched as Carter's chest rose and fell for what would be the last time. Tears flowed from her eyes. "No, no!" She screamed, "Carter you can't leave me. Don't you leave me? I'm not ready yet." 

"Abby, I'm sorry." Luka said to her. "He's gone."

"I know." She said falling down on her knees. "I don't want him to be. Luka, he can't be. There was so much that we had left to do." 

Abby let the tears flow freely. The pain cut into her like a dull knife. She could feel it ripping and tearing at her, from all sides till she was numb. Her heart had been ripped from her chest. Her mind drifted into the what and ifs. Grief and anger had started to set in. She looked around her, death and destruction was all that surrounded her. People were dying all around her for what, nothing more than the right to own and rule a piece of land. She looked at Luka, "I shouldn't have come. If I hadn't been here, he would have done that." Anger set in, "He shouldn't have done that. I should be the one laying there not him." She cried harder than she thought humanly possible. This wasn't how life was supposed to turn out. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all. 

Luka took her in his arms and let her cry. She needed a friend; she needed some to help her. Most of all she needed to go home. This wasn't where she should be anymore. 

**__**

Epilogue: Out of Africa

Abby had caught the next plane back to Chicago with Luka by her side. She had to take him home, bring him back to Chicago to be with his family. His friends and family needed to be able to say goodbye. She was teary eyed as Susan met them at the gate. Susan took Abby into her arms hugging her. Susan offerent Abby her condolences as she drove them back to Abby's apartment. Abby sat surrounded by the silence of her apartment. There were still some of his belongings scattered around her place.

She picked up his shirt that was sitting in the laundry pile. She hugged the shirt close to her, taking in his scent. She didn't try to hold back the tears anymore. She stretched out on the bed and cried herself to sleep.

The days turned into weeks, each one a little easier than the one before. Nothing was the same anymore. County felt emptier now with out him. Abby had reluctantly returned back to work. The twelve-hour shifts helped to fill the empiness she felt. Some days she missed him more than others. She half expected him to come out of an exam room or to be sitting in the lounge. She would frequently go up and sit on the roof, shed what tears needed to be shed, then go back down to the ER and finish her shift. She was more than eager to cover the shifts that there was no one else to fill spending more and more time at the hospital than at home. Keeping so busy helped in a way to keep her mind from wandering into what might have happened, if she hadn't have gone and gotten on that plane for Africa. That trip had opened her eyes to things that she never couple have imagined and to horrors that she wished she never experienced. It made County appear like a walk in the park.

Since she had gotten back, Abby never once complained about the patient load. She had seen cared for at one time more people in the Congo than she did at County. Juggling eight patients at a time was nothingg for her now.

Even with the horrid conditions there and what she had witnessed there. She found herself wanting to go back. She needed to help more than she had the first time. Her motives for going the first time were at what they should've been. She had only gone because that's where John had gone. She needed to follow him to make things right between them. She hadn't given any thought to the people living there, only that she had asked John not to go because it was dangerous in he had gone anyway. Would he still be alive today if she hadn't gone on the plane?

She caught herself. She couldn't think that way, not now, not ever. The guerrillas had killed him, not her. She was there when it happened and she would've been in Chicago when it happened if she hadn't gotten on that plane.

Abby found herself picking up the phone and calling, like she had done in May. She was going back to Africa. She would continue the work that John had so willingly done it may be in the process bring her some peace.

The plane ride was just as long as she remembered it. Kisangani was hot and humid. This small hospital was still full of people need to be taking care of. The only difference that she could pick up one was that's Carter wasn't there with her this time. She could almost feel Carter there with her.

Abby spent the first day in Africa treating patients in the triage area. She worked with a doctor who spoke French. She picked up a few words here and there as she went through the day. She was so busy with the patients that that the day flew by. As the sun went down Abby walked into the cafeteria for some dinner she said that under the table watching the others around her she was utterly exhausted from the jet lag in being on her feet all day. She finished at dinner and headed to her cabin. As he laid in the in the dark her mind wandered Carter had been gone for six weeks now although It felt like an eternity that she had been without him. She slowly drifted off to sleep the sun came up earlier than what she had wished. She dressed and found a cup of coffee to jump-start her into her day. She had into the triage area where yet another new doctorr was starting.

She could tell they he was unsure of these conditions malaria diphtheria and polio cases were coming in to day. Abby was getting used to seeing beings the diseases that were not seen in developed countries. As much as she wanted to read these people of these irrevocable diseases, there wasn't away. But the kids that she helps during the day gave her a wonderful feeling.

A shipment of vaccines came in late the fourth night Abby was In Africa. She was extremely nervous to go out on the immunization team; she swallowed hard before agreeing on going out. Abby didn't sleep well that night she tossed and turned. But Abby new that she needed to help out with this and face her fear of a repeat of her last immunization run. Carter wasn't with her this time, she was going out with another doctor to give the immunizations sleep finally came to Abby allowing a little reprieve from her long day and short night.

She awoke the next morning, grabbed her coffee and a small bag before heading out to meet the vaccination team they packed up and headed out down thereafter road, Abby to get this site and a change of scenery. Abby watched the people who were moving slowly along the side of the road where refugees fleeing from the relentless civil war. Abby could almost see the pain and fear their eyes, the pain of the loss of husbands, children and homes. She tried her best to keep her pain and fear from her face no one could understand why she though she needed to do this. She was unsure if she could explain it to herself just why she was there in Africa, Sosa after the war In Africa had taken Carter away from her. She was going to do what she had come there to do and nothing was going to stop her this time.

They spent two days of the small clinic, the first day they spent giving out immunization and a second day helping the staff out. The third day they packed up and headed back to Kisangani, the mission was unevenful and successful. 

Abby announced that a week in Africa. She had fully adjusted to her new time zone and the jet lag. She had two more weeks left in her time there. The time flew by fast. It felt like she had just gotten there the day before yesterday. On her nineteenth day In Africa Abby started to feel exhausted. She should get off the bed she could. She worked with no problems through the morning, but she was dragging at lunch. She sat down to your lunch and closed her eyes for just a moment and was an hour later by clinic worker said to find her.

She went back to work again for another hour went by as Abby struggle to stay on her feet. She felt her stomach start to turn on her. The doctors she was working with paper and look and she ran out. She found garbage just outside the triage area and emptied her stomach. She was unsure why she thousand sick she went back inside to the triage area, was a doctor she ran out looked at her a moment before speaking, "are you okay?" Dr. McGill asked?

"Yes," Abby said, "I will be just fine." 

" Are you sure? Maybe you should go lay down for awhile." Dr. McGill told her.

"No I him find really, lunch didn't agree with me. "

He just nodded and let her go back to helping him with a barrage of patients flooding the hospital triage area. Abby made it through the rest of the day without incident. She had done what to lie down for a while. She was still exhausted but she only had two more days left before she was having home to Chicago.

Abby dreamt of Carter that night. He was standing in front of her, smiling. Abby walked over to him, she could feel his strong arms around her, the sense of his cologne filling her senses. She melted against him, yet he didn't say anything to her. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Carter reached down and wiped the tears from her face before slowly backing away from her. 

Abby opened her eyes to the sunlight streaming into the room to let the tears from her own eyes. It was just a dream, a dream that was too real. His smile touched her to the core. They get this morning she had a newfoundd sense of columnists that surrounded her. There was something different aboutt the way she felt that she couldn't put her finger on.

At the start at her last entry harsh. She would be getting on a plane for Chicago in the morning. She enjoyed her time in Kisangani. The was now ready to go back home and settle into her life In Chicago and go on with her life without Carter.

Abby threw up twice during the day. Dr. McGill didn't say anything to her about this. He just gave her time to recover and regroup herself once again come the end of the day Abby was exhausted. She lies down on the bed in Kisangani for the last time. She laid back and closed her eyes as she drifted off to sleep. This time she had made it through her African experience.

Later back In Chicago……….

Abby was once again working in the ER. She still wasn't up to speed, but she attributed this to the emotional roller coaster of the last ten weeks. The turmoil with Carter, the trip to Africa, Carter's death and then going back to Africa alone to finish what she had started.

"Abby, "Susan called again.

"Yes Susan."

"Are you ok?" Susan asked. "You don't look so good."

"Yes, I am fine." 

"Abby you're turning green around the edges. You don't need to lie to me."

"I'm a little nauseated, but really I'm fine. "

"Let me look you over and make sure they didn't come home from Africa with some disease. "

"Susan, if I agree to do that do you promise to leave me alone and let me work. "She asked.

"If there's nothing wrong with you then yes I promise."

Abby threw her arms in the air and followed Susan into an exam room, she knew that there was nothing wrong with her other than some lingering jet lat. Susan gave Abby a quick exam not seeing anything out of the ordinary wrong with her. She drew some blood and sent it down to the lab. 

"Why don't you lay back down and get a quick nap in while we wait for your labs to come back. If they don't show anything, then you are free to go back to work." Susan said to her.

"I think that you're over reacting Susan, but I won't argue with you."

Susan smiled as she left the room, "I'll be back as soon as I get them."

Abby just nodded as she laid back on the gurney. A short nap wasn't going to hurt.

Susan saw her other patients as she waited for Abby's labs to come back. A half hour passed and Susan still hadn't gotten them back. She decided to give the lab more time when she saw Abby sleep in the exam room.

The blood work came back an hour later. Everything looked good Susan noticed as she started to look down the list. Then there was the answer staring Susan right in the face. Everything made sense now as to why Abby was so tired and she looked so green this morning. Susan walked into Abby's exam room, "Abby."

"Yeah," She said as she opened her eyes hearing Susan's voice.

"I have your lab results." Susan said 

"See I told you nothing was wrong."

"Well you're right there, nothing is wrong. Abby you're pregnant." 

"Oh," she said softly. She wondered how she had missed the signs herself. She had just attributed the way she had been feeling to jet lag and bad food.

"Are you okay?" Susan asked noticing her friend had gone quiet.

"Yeah I am. It's just going to take some adjusting to."

"Is it John's baby?"

Abby just nodded. "I didn't think that this was going to happen. I didn't think that this was going to be the way things would be. I was so sure that we would work things out and that he would come from Africa and we would go back to the way things were. I knew Africa was dangerous and that's why I didn't want him to go. He went and I followed, why I don't know. But I never expected him not to be on that flight home with me."

Susan hugged her friend tightly. "None of us expected that Abby. Carter loved you very much. And right now I am certain that he is smiling down on you from heaven wishing he could be here now."

Abby wiped a tear from her eye, "I know that he is."

Susan pulled over the sonosite that was sitting on the gurney next to them, "let's check on this little one of yours."

She ran the sonosite over Abby's abdomen, showing her the baby. "I'd say by the look of things that you are about 15 weeks Abby."

"Things have been so hectic lately that I just haven't had time to slow down and listen to what my body has been trying to tell me."

"Everything looks fine Abby, don't beat yourself up." Susan said.

Susan finished and headed out of the room to give Abby some time to adjust to everything that was happening to her. She knew that her friend was both happy and yet sad at the same time. John had wanted children, and he had loved Abby greatly. She was his world, and Susan knew that John was Abby's world as well. And now here she was pregnant with his baby and having to go on alone in the world.

In a few months Abby would have a small piece of John to care for and keep his memory alive forever. Abby sighed. No wonder in her dream in Africa he was smiling at her. He knew that this was happening. He was happy for her. She wouldn't have to go on thru live with out him. She would have their child to comfort, to teach, and to most of all make sure that no matter what, knew what his daddy was like. She said a small silent prayer. That whatever happened in life, that this child would know that John Carter was a wonderful man, doctor and friend, but the most compassionate man she had ever known. 


End file.
